Hello all - please know that I try to be tactful when writing and it is not my intention to offend anyone. With that being said I would like to take a moment to discuss calling hours.
The tradition of two or three days of calling hours from 2pm-4pm and 7pm-9pm are for the most part, gone. The new trend is either one set of calling hours from 2 to 4 hours in duration in one sitting the night before OR all one day service with a calling hour or two at the funeral home before a funeral service at the funeral home or place of worship, possibly with burial immediately following or not at all.
I am in the habit of having the family come in 1/2 to 3/4 of an hour prior to the actual start of calling hours. This is to allow the immediate family to make certain everything is set up in a fashion that is acceptable to them and to allow them private time with their loved one in this setting before having to greet visitors. This is why it is important that those wishing to attend calling hours adhere to the times posted in the obituary. Many I have seen want to "speed visit" and think they will be in and out faster to pay their respects if they just get there a little early as there will be less of a crowd at that point. I don't allow these people in until the posted time in the obituary because the service is for the family and not the visitor's schedule. The family I serve comes first. Some visitors have gotten upset with me or support staff but they lost the focus as to why we even have calling hours.
Then there is the other end of the calling hours. They are always posted to end at a particular time, please respect that. This time is both physically and emotionally draining on families. Just because you can't make it until 5 minutes before calling hours are to come to an end doesn't mean the family wants to visit for an additional 20 minutes beyond what they expected and they've already been there visiting with others for possibly hours. It may be better to send flowers, make a memorial donation in lieu of flowers if that is what the family requested in the obituary, send a card or letter or leave an online condolence rather than make them stay longer just to not make you feel bad about getting their late.
The funeral homes I work at don't charge additional if calling hours run late however I am aware of some that do. That additional cost associated may also be passed on to the family.
Families set the time span they want to have calling hours. Please respect that if you are attending to "show your respect" to the family.
Thursday, December 27, 2012
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
Holiday grief
Hello my friends.
The process of grieving and bereavement is different for everyone. As much as the published psychologists, psychiatrists, social workers and self-help writers "mainstream" that process for ease of understanding in their myriad of books, their diagnosis' are impersonal. While I don't know you, the reader, any more than those authors, I have a few personal opinions and observations I would like to share.
Everyone goes through this process differently. The 5-stages of grieving and bereavement don't always go in order, don't always last for the same duration in each stage, and isn't miraculously "done" on the one year anniversary after a loved one's death. Some process things faster and some slower. I guess what I'm saying it not to let people paint you into a corner telling you when you should move from stage to stage on a timeline or which stage you should be in at any specific time. That being said, I have one general offering I make to all the families I serve. If you find yourself "stuck" in any phase (no matter what order they come in) and it effects your physical health, relationship with others, or work, seek professional counselling. If none of those are going on and someone offers you their off the cuff remarks of "get over it" or "you should be passed that by now", tell them where they can put their diagnosis.
"Holiday grief" can be Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Thanksgiving, the deceased's birthday, an anniversary or any other calendar event that held a special meaning between the deceased and the person feeling the grief. You are NOT limited to only have ill feelings on the first of all those holidays again being painted into a corner where society says you must be "over it" after the firsts of each anniversary. Ridiculous! Again I say, melancholy is ok during these times specifically and if anyone doesn't like that, too bad. I must add however, if the effects are such that you can't perform your day to day routines or have feelings of suicide, harming others, or great dispair, seek professional help immediately.
Grieving and bereavement is a journey, much like life, and not a destination. Private counseling can be costly but there's still hope. There's always hope! Hospices have great services. Many families I've served have used the services of Hospice of South East Connecticut, Southeast Mental Health Authority, Reliance House, church clergy, Backus Hospital Mental Health Clinic etc. with success.
Don't go it alone but don't think one size fits all with your emotions.
May you be able to enjoy your holiday, whatever you celebrate, knowing this journey through that dark place does in fact get better....to everyone at their own time. I wish you well.
The process of grieving and bereavement is different for everyone. As much as the published psychologists, psychiatrists, social workers and self-help writers "mainstream" that process for ease of understanding in their myriad of books, their diagnosis' are impersonal. While I don't know you, the reader, any more than those authors, I have a few personal opinions and observations I would like to share.
Everyone goes through this process differently. The 5-stages of grieving and bereavement don't always go in order, don't always last for the same duration in each stage, and isn't miraculously "done" on the one year anniversary after a loved one's death. Some process things faster and some slower. I guess what I'm saying it not to let people paint you into a corner telling you when you should move from stage to stage on a timeline or which stage you should be in at any specific time. That being said, I have one general offering I make to all the families I serve. If you find yourself "stuck" in any phase (no matter what order they come in) and it effects your physical health, relationship with others, or work, seek professional counselling. If none of those are going on and someone offers you their off the cuff remarks of "get over it" or "you should be passed that by now", tell them where they can put their diagnosis.
"Holiday grief" can be Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Thanksgiving, the deceased's birthday, an anniversary or any other calendar event that held a special meaning between the deceased and the person feeling the grief. You are NOT limited to only have ill feelings on the first of all those holidays again being painted into a corner where society says you must be "over it" after the firsts of each anniversary. Ridiculous! Again I say, melancholy is ok during these times specifically and if anyone doesn't like that, too bad. I must add however, if the effects are such that you can't perform your day to day routines or have feelings of suicide, harming others, or great dispair, seek professional help immediately.
Grieving and bereavement is a journey, much like life, and not a destination. Private counseling can be costly but there's still hope. There's always hope! Hospices have great services. Many families I've served have used the services of Hospice of South East Connecticut, Southeast Mental Health Authority, Reliance House, church clergy, Backus Hospital Mental Health Clinic etc. with success.
Don't go it alone but don't think one size fits all with your emotions.
May you be able to enjoy your holiday, whatever you celebrate, knowing this journey through that dark place does in fact get better....to everyone at their own time. I wish you well.
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