Prearranging a funeral

WOW!  It's been a long time since I've written.  I apologize for leaving you hanging.  Work has been very busy and I focus 100% on my families I serve and write when I have time after they are served to the best of my abilities.

Many have told me they haven't prearranged because it "freaks them out" or they just don't want to think about it or face their own mortality.  I totally get that.  When I went to mortuary school I had to write my own pre-planned funeral arrangements including my obituary, pick out music for the service, select a casket, vault, purchase cemetery property etc.  It was in fact, uncomfortable.  But like I said previously, we prepare for what MAY happen and get insurance just in case, we fail to prepare for the inevitable.  

In the "old days", funeral homes would take your money and chase banks locally to try to find the best rate of return, deposit your money to hold for you and hope the interest rates would cover inflationary rates when the need came.  Well interest rates aren't what they used to be and many are finding their family still has to pony up significant cash at the time.

What some funeral homes (the ones I work for included) do is put your money into insurance AND price guarantee the funeral home costs f-o-r-e-v-e-r.  So your $1700 casket today will be sold to your family at the time of need for....you guessed it, $1700.  The basic professional service fees,  embalming, hearse, vault, calling hours and so much more...all price guaranteed.  What's not price guaranteed?  Outside costs.  They are what other entities or people charge the funeral home.  Examples are obituaries, certified copies of the death certificate, clergy, musicians etc.  In some cases this could also include the crematory cost however, with the funeral homes I work at, we own our own crematory so that would be a fixed cost and price guaranteed forever.

Funeral homes, for the most part, want to be paid in full by the date of service.  Some may offer payment plans with interest.  Pre-arranging allows you to enter into a payment plan in most cases which makes things more manageable when spread over 1, 3, 5 or more years.  

Based on this simple information you can see how this would benefit you, your family, and or your estate substantially.  Price protecting and locking in today's prices forever!  It is said that funeral costs double every 8 to 10 years.  Here's a great way to keep costs in check, make sure your wishes are adhered to, appoint someone to handle your arrangements outside of the legal next of kin listed by the state, pre-authorize your own cremation if you wish and so many more advantages people don't think of because they simply don't want to.

This is a reality for all of us that once met and handled takes an underlying burden off of many.

The next tidbit I offer will be to answer those who say, "But I already have life insurance."

Introduction to Pre-arranging a funeral

Hello again ~ so many people I've gotten to speak with over the years concerning pre-arranging or pre-planning with regards to a funeral believe that means you're going to die.  To which I reply, "uhhhh yeah."  Maybe my viewpoint is a bit jaded because I'm in the business but here's my analogy -
You purchase insurance for your car IN CASE you get in an accident...but most people don't.
You purchase insurance for your home IN CASE of fire....but most homes never experience a fire.
You purchase renters insurance for your apartment IN CASE something happens to your "stuff" but most times nothing does happen to it.
You take all those precautions against things that may, in fact most likely WON'T occur yet when it comes to pre-planning for your or a loved one's funeral you don't and yet that is the only one of these topics that is a "when" and not an "if".  We all die.

True it is not a pleasant thing to ponder yet it protects your family/loved ones, friends or whoever is left to make the final arrangements when the time actually comes.  There is a plethora of information that needs to be gathered and in short order once a death has occurred.  There's even more decisions that have to be made; burial versus cremation, if cremation will remains be scattered, buried, kept on a shelf, if burial is there cemetery property, will military honors be rendered, where are those discharge papers again, do I want a religious service, will the service be at a church - synagogue - or at the funeral home, what do you mean you need the deceased's mother's maiden name, how about a register book and prayer cards for the visitation - there's only 175 verses to select from and about 35 different card variations, flowers, donations to where in lieu of flowers, will you have calling hours/viewing or just funeral service or possibly just a simple graveside service, and so so so many more things to consider all topped off with payment due by the date of service which is typically anywhere from 2 days to a week.  That's a short amount of time to come up with $2000 to $12000 in this region for the wide range of most standard services from simple cremation to semi-elaborate burial.

Now I'm not trying to scare you here, just to be frank and make you think.  Taking these steps allows you to price shop around, see the funeral home ahead of time, see if you fit with the philosophy of the director(s), if they'll adhere to your wishes etc.  The days of just going to the same funeral home you used for great great gramma are over.  You should go where everything seems to come together and "fit" the way you want.  Where you're not pressured.  Where you're comfortable.  Don't let tradition trump the best service at the best price where you're offered the best protection just because it's always been done at that place.  No funeral home should ever rest on their laurels because that's when things get lackadaisical and well, things get "cookie cutter" as everyone is in a rut doing everything the same just because no one wants to think independently or be creative in making a funeral as unique as the life lived.

With all this being said, I will let you know I'm preparing to write a series on pre-planning.  Again, refer to my disclaimer in the right hand column.  These views are my own but I am compelled to share them and give you as much information as possible because knowledge is power and I want all the readers of this blog to be empowered.  No matter what funeral home you use, I want you to feel well served, protected and comfortable in your choices.

Be well and I'll return in  a few days to provide more pointed information after you've had time to think about these things I've written of in this component of pre-arranging/pre-planning.

Funeral Directors Feelings

I've had people say, "You must be immune" to me when discussing feelings towards peoples death.  I can assure you, nothing can be further from the truth.  I speak for me and many colleagues I've had this frank conversation with.

True, we get hardened somewhat to varying degrees.  True, we are layers apart from the families we are working with dealing with the death of their loved one whom they have known and been close with since conception through several decades.  I never pretend to know what the family is dealing with or feeling.  I am not in their shoes.  I don't know and to simply supply mouth service here, I feel, is a disservice to the family.  I did not have that relationship with the person who died.

Still, being an active listener, connecting with my families (yes I refer to families I meet with and handle funerals for their loved ones as "my family"), I do become attached.  Sometimes I am so touched by stories I share tears with my families.  Sometimes I enjoy their stories so much I feel somehow cheated for not having known the deceased prior to their death.  And at times I laugh with families sharing humorous stories or  anecdotes of their loved one.

There is that layer that remains however which is what allows me to maintain my professionalism and orchestrate and perform the services without being overwhelmed emotionally like true family members would be.

This is where I can comment about my general statement you see in the right column of this page.  I don't take the title "director" in funeral director too much to heart.  I want to be a funeral "guide" helping people down a path they don't want to take to make certain they come out at the end of the trip in a place as good as we can possibly get it . . . together.  Thankfully, people don't have to plan and organize all of the intricate details for funerals every day.  That's where we as funeral service professionals come in.

Yes, the job can be emotionally draining but when the services are completed and I get a hug along with a "thank you" from the family....to me, that's what makes it all worth it.  That's better than a paycheck to me but please don't tell my boss.  ;-)

TAPS....beautiful taps

Whether you are in the military, were in the military, knew a 2nd cousin's mother's half-step brother that was in the military or none of the above, I think everyone will agree that the music of TAPS evokes deep emotions.

Here is a video I would like to share with you that a dear friend of mine just recently shared with me.. Let me set it up for you:

The conductor of the orchestra is Andre Rieu from Holland.  The young lady, her trumpet and her rendition of TAPS will make your hair stand on end.

Many may have never heard taps played in its entirety, for all the men and women that have died for our freedom.  This is an opportunity you won't want to miss and I guarantee you'll never forget.

Melissa Venema, age 13 in this video, is the trumpet soloist and is also from Holland.

Here is TAPS played in its entirety.  The original version of TAPS was called the Last Post, and was written by Daniel Butterfield in 1861.  IT was rather lengthy and formal, as you will hear in this clip. As a result, in 1862, it was shortened to 24 notes and re-named "Taps".

(The soloist is playing it on a trumpet however this piece was written to be played on a bugle)

Follow this link:

http://www.flixxy.com/trumpet-solo-melissa-venema.htm#.UZ1k8LU4SSo

Family owned and operated since ....

Hello again.  Sorry it's been so long since I last added to this blog.  The general purpose of my starting this blog was to dispel frequent misperceptions in and of the funeral industry.  Today's topic?  Family owner versus corporate owned funeral homes.

There are pros and cons to both.  To think one is better than the next simply due to ownership, I feel, is one of those common misperceptions.  Here are some things I've heard along with some of the things I know and/or have feelings about.

Advertisement:  "Family owned and operated since ________"
My commentary:  All this means is the same family has run it for a particular amount of time.  That statement doesn't make it a "good" funeral home any more than the next one in town.  I know a family owned and operated store in town (not a funeral home) that many people wonder how it's stayed in business so long because of poor service, lack of modernization and a small variety of selections to purchase.

Comment I have heard in public: " Big corporations mean loss of local jobs".
My commentary:  Where I work is corporate owned.  It is in the town where I was born and grew up and lived and still live.  I worked there when it was "family owned and operated" and now that it is corporate owned.  Others I work with are local.  Just because corporate headquarters is in Texas doesn't mean they brought in a bunch of "good ole boys" to take over.

Advertisement:  "Air conditioned parlors.  Ample parking."
My commentary:  Really?  I don't know of any public meeting place that isn't air conditioned anymore.  Move on and start discussing what you do to serve your client families.  That is not a divide between family owned and corporate owned.

How about discussing what you have to offer to families that is unique, special, an offering that you have that others do not have?

Don't get me wrong.  There are pro's and con's to both private and corporate ownership.  What the smart consumer needs to do is shop, compare and go where they feel comfortable.  Of course in this industry, that is best served before a death occurs.  To those who would simply say they're not going to a funeral home because it is corporate owned my standard answer is then for them not to shop at Wal-Mart, don't eat at McDonalds, buy your gasoline at Mobil, or get home improvement supplies from Home Depot.

Of course I'm not saying not to shop or eat at those places but merely making an analogy for illustrative purposes.

Cremation commentary

So many families I serve come in and say they want a cremation. It may be for the cost (about .48 on the dollar compared to burial on average), or that this seems to be trending like a viral YouTube video, or a myriad of other reasons. My mantra is to do what the family wants as long as it's not illegal, immoral or unethical so needless to say, I'm on board with cremation.  Here's some factual information on cremation:
1)  Cremation is now accepted by the Roman Catholic Church however, they prefer the body be brought in to church first (at least in my diocese) and the cremation performed afterward.  Once you have the cremated remains back, they are to be buried or placed in a columbarium niche or mausoleum (aka hallowed ground) and not to be retained on the mantel.
2)  Cremation does in about 3 hours what a ground burial does over several decades.
3)  There is no need for embalming (in CT) if you are going to be cremated unless you're having an open casket public viewing first.
4)  Cremation can't take place in CT for a full 48 hours after the death.  This is primarily in case any medical or legal questions arises as cremation is a "final disposition" and evidence of any wrongdoing is gone forever forensically speaking anyway.
5)  There is no legal requirement for an urn.  And if you want an urn, you can use anything for an urn as there is no legal requirement for the vessel.  For example, there was an older woman who was known for her chocolate/peanut butter chip cookies.  When she was cremated, we used her cookie jar as the urn.  Similarly, a gentleman was big into motorcycle riding and doing his own airbrush artwork. With his girlfriend's permission we used the gas tank from his motorcycle that he did all his latest artwork on as his urn.  Let your imagination run with this.  Just know that if you are placing all of the cremated remains in one container, you'll need it to be able to hold about 190 to 210 cubic inches in volume.
6)  Many believe "cremation" means burning a body to ashes and giving those ashes to someone to take custody of and that's that.  All she wrote.  The end.  However, there are many many options.
- cremation allows people time to have services.  In today's society, family and friends are scattered about the country, heck - the globe.  Cremation renders the remains sanitary and inert and with no public health concern thereafter, the services can be delayed for weeks or months if you wish.
- cremation can be a hybrid of "traditional" funeral services and cremation services.  For example; you could have open casket public viewing (calling hours / visitation) have a funeral service in the funeral home the next day or same day as the calling hours with cremation to occur a day or two after with the family retaining the cremated remains or having a public or private burial thereafter.
- cremation can be done and you can have a Memorial Service either with or without the cremated remains present based on your timeline for when you want to have the service(s) and when the cremation can actually take place.  Many times there is an urn (sometimes with and sometimes without cremated remains contained therein as the family requests), a picture and possible personal memorabilia about that person for the funeral home service or calling hours.
- cremation can be an immediate disposal.  That is, cremation with no services, no burial, no nothing.  Just take care of the legal paperwork, transport the person to and from the crematory and give the cremated remains to family or friends and be done with it.
On the later, I can't begin to tell you how many times the family said, "That was all he/.she wanted".  My response is typically, "Do what you want.  It's not about them any longer.  They are in the place they believed they would be after they died.  It's the family that now has to deal with and cope with the loss and most find some sort of funeral or memorial service therapeutic,
It doesn't have to be fancy.  It doesn't have to be expensive.  But sometimes, it just has to be....for you, the surviving spouse, brother, child, friend etc...

Please have at least a frank conversation with family/friends to let you wishes be known.  Cremation or burial as that's the first hurdle.  I'll be doing a segment on prearranging and the plethora of benefits of doing that in later blogs.  I hope you will join me and be an informed consumer of funeral goods and services.

Food & Beverage

In Connecticut, food and beverage are not allowed in a funeral home in conjunction with any funeral services or wakes.  Yes, that means the coffee that so many of us walk around all day holding.  Water is considered a "base" and not a "beverage" so if you much have a drink in your hand, please have it be a bottled water.
Connecticut is one of the last states in the union to disallow this.
The funeral homes I work at offer catered receptions at area venues or delivered to your home or hall as you select.  This is NOT food in the funeral home but at another location and is convenient for many families to have all on one bill.  It's all up to you.
Now you know.

Lets do it

My main goal in serving a family's needs is celebrating a life as uniquely as it was lived.  My rules?  If it's not illegal, immoral or unethical, I'm on board.

- For a farming family I put the casket on bales of hay from the family farm instead of the church truck that caskets usually rest on and lashed corn stalks to the head and foot of his casket
- For the woman who was known for her rose bushes around her home, I received permission to transplant four of them into large planters and we placed them around her casket
- For someone who was very much into polka music, we not only played it during calling hours but I made the pre-arrangements with that person when they were diagnosed with a terminal illness and he wanted everyone to have "one last polka" before we closed the casket.  I made the announcement and we played the song he requested we play and we danced.
- For someone who was known for the afghans they knitted, I put the person's knitting needles in the person's hands in the casket with the last piece she was working on before she died and draped it over the top of the casket.
- For someone who was into fishing....we put crossed fishing poles across the head panel of the casket and brought his 12' boat in and adorned it with his fishing paraphernalia

As you can see, there is a lot of room for customization if your director is willing to work with you, suggest things other than "traditional" and possibly, do a little extra.

The props and area around the calling hours and funeral service I refer to as "customization".  "Personalization" on the other hand is a story told unique to that person's life.  For more about that, read my segment on Funeral Service Celebrants.

I hope you look into the opportunity to have a funeral service representative of the uniqueness of the life lived.