Food & Beverage

In Connecticut, food and beverage are not allowed in a funeral home in conjunction with any funeral services or wakes.  Yes, that means the coffee that so many of us walk around all day holding.  Water is considered a "base" and not a "beverage" so if you much have a drink in your hand, please have it be a bottled water.
Connecticut is one of the last states in the union to disallow this.
The funeral homes I work at offer catered receptions at area venues or delivered to your home or hall as you select.  This is NOT food in the funeral home but at another location and is convenient for many families to have all on one bill.  It's all up to you.
Now you know.

Lets do it

My main goal in serving a family's needs is celebrating a life as uniquely as it was lived.  My rules?  If it's not illegal, immoral or unethical, I'm on board.

- For a farming family I put the casket on bales of hay from the family farm instead of the church truck that caskets usually rest on and lashed corn stalks to the head and foot of his casket
- For the woman who was known for her rose bushes around her home, I received permission to transplant four of them into large planters and we placed them around her casket
- For someone who was very much into polka music, we not only played it during calling hours but I made the pre-arrangements with that person when they were diagnosed with a terminal illness and he wanted everyone to have "one last polka" before we closed the casket.  I made the announcement and we played the song he requested we play and we danced.
- For someone who was known for the afghans they knitted, I put the person's knitting needles in the person's hands in the casket with the last piece she was working on before she died and draped it over the top of the casket.
- For someone who was into fishing....we put crossed fishing poles across the head panel of the casket and brought his 12' boat in and adorned it with his fishing paraphernalia

As you can see, there is a lot of room for customization if your director is willing to work with you, suggest things other than "traditional" and possibly, do a little extra.

The props and area around the calling hours and funeral service I refer to as "customization".  "Personalization" on the other hand is a story told unique to that person's life.  For more about that, read my segment on Funeral Service Celebrants.

I hope you look into the opportunity to have a funeral service representative of the uniqueness of the life lived.

Calling Hours and etiquette

Hello all - please know that I try to be tactful when writing and it is not my intention to offend anyone. With that being said I would like to take a moment to discuss calling hours.

The tradition of two or three days of calling hours from 2pm-4pm and 7pm-9pm are for the most part, gone.  The new trend is either one set of calling hours from 2 to 4 hours in duration in one sitting the night before OR all one day service with a calling hour or two at the funeral home before a funeral service at the funeral home or place of worship, possibly with burial immediately following or not at all.

I am in the habit of having the family come in 1/2 to 3/4 of an hour prior to the actual start of calling hours.  This is to allow the immediate family to make certain everything is set up in a fashion that is acceptable to them and to allow them private time with their loved one in this setting before having to greet visitors.  This is why it is important that those wishing to attend calling hours adhere to the times posted in the obituary.  Many I have seen want to "speed visit" and think they will be in and out faster to pay their respects if they just get there a little early as there will be less of a crowd at that point.  I don't allow these people in until the posted time in the obituary because the service is for the family and not the visitor's  schedule.  The family I serve comes first.  Some visitors have gotten upset with me or support staff but they lost the focus as to why we even have calling hours.

Then there is the other end of the calling hours.  They are always posted to end at a particular time, please respect that.  This time is both physically and emotionally draining on families.  Just because you can't make it until 5 minutes before calling hours are to come to an end doesn't mean the family wants to visit for an additional 20 minutes beyond what they expected and they've already been there visiting with others for possibly hours.  It may be better to send flowers, make a memorial donation in lieu of flowers if that is what the family requested in the obituary, send a card or letter or leave an online condolence rather than make them stay longer just to not make you feel bad about getting their late.

The funeral homes I work at don't charge additional if calling hours run late however I am aware of some that do.  That additional cost associated may also be passed on to the family.

Families set the time span they want to have calling hours.  Please respect that if you are attending to "show your respect" to the family.

Holiday grief

Hello my friends.
The process of grieving and bereavement is different for everyone.  As much as the published psychologists, psychiatrists, social workers and self-help writers "mainstream" that process for ease of understanding in their myriad of books, their diagnosis' are impersonal.  While I don't know you, the reader, any more than those authors, I have a few personal opinions and observations I would like to share.
Everyone goes through this process differently.  The 5-stages of grieving and bereavement don't always go in order, don't always last for the same duration in each stage, and isn't miraculously "done" on the one year anniversary after a loved one's death.  Some process things faster and some slower.  I guess what I'm saying it not to let people paint you into a corner telling you when you should move from stage to stage on a timeline or which stage you should be in at any specific time.  That being said, I have one general offering I make to all the families I serve.  If you find yourself "stuck" in any phase (no matter what order they come in) and it effects your physical health, relationship with others, or work, seek professional counselling.  If none of those are going on and someone offers you their off the cuff remarks of "get over it" or "you should be passed that by now", tell them where they can put their diagnosis.

"Holiday grief" can be Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Thanksgiving, the deceased's birthday, an anniversary or any other calendar event that held a special meaning between the deceased and the person feeling the grief.  You are NOT limited to only have ill feelings on the first of all those holidays again being painted into a corner where society says you must be "over it" after the firsts of each anniversary.  Ridiculous!  Again I say, melancholy is ok during these times specifically and if anyone doesn't like that, too bad.  I must add however, if the effects are such that you can't perform your day to day routines or have feelings of suicide, harming others, or great dispair, seek professional help immediately.

Grieving and bereavement is a journey, much like life, and not a destination.  Private counseling can be costly but there's still hope.  There's always hope!  Hospices have great services.  Many families I've served have used the services of Hospice of South East Connecticut, Southeast Mental Health Authority, Reliance House, church clergy, Backus Hospital Mental Health Clinic etc. with success.

Don't go it alone but don't think one size fits all with your emotions.

May you be able to enjoy your holiday, whatever you celebrate, knowing this journey through that dark place does in fact get better....to everyone at their own time.  I wish you well.

Funeral Service Celebrant

In many cases in speaking with families I hear the same response to some of my suggestions.  That is, "I didn't know I could do that."  It is for those families and for all the families I haven't served yet that I created this blog.  When people are informed going into a situation, the outcome is most often better than if they had gone in "blind" so to speak.  This particular post is just another of those circumstances.

I met with a family not too long ago who came in to the funeral home where I work and immediately said their loved one "wasn't big into church" and because of that, they were just going to have their loved one cremated and then they'd figure out what to do with them afterward.  Their thought?  Funerals they've been to throughout their lives had a priest, minister or rabbi officiate and because they didn't have one of those, they were just going to forego any service whatsoever.

That made my heart sad.  Someone had died who lived a long, productive life.  That person touched the lives of so many and because the family I was serving thought it would be awkward to have a religious person officiate if that didn't fully represent their loved one, they were going to let that story of the person's life go uncommemorated or otherwise, uncelebrated.

I introduced the family to Funeral Service Celebrant services.  Here's what that is.

Celebrants are creators of personal ceremonies and experts in composing and performing funeral services.  They are professional communicators who reflect the wishes and values of the loved one and the loved one's family.  They serve as hosts or officiants at the funeral and excel as contemporaries of families that are not particularly "religious".  They blend religious and non-religious themes and help families who would normally not have services.  The psychological effects of funeral services are therapeutic in nature and help people on the path of grieving and bereavement.  Celebrants are perfect for families seeking a more unique service as well as those who do not have a relationship with local clergy. 

A celebrant will meet with the family and learn more about their loved one and his or her hobbies.  The celebrant will research poems, songs and incorporate personal stories from family and friends to honor the life lived.  Services don't need to be a spectator event either.  Many services I perform incorporate family participation if they want (any many do).  Show the roots of the deceased and how they evolved over time during the course of the ceremony.  Death is certain for all of us.  It is a reality that we all must face from time to time.  How we navigate that time can effect us for the rest of our lives.  No life is insignificant and celebrants help bring that to light.  Lastly, the presence of community, family and friends around you at this time lets you know you are not alone.

These services then, as you can see, are truly one of a kind.  While the casket or urn selection, flowers, etc. are all "customization", relating a life-story and reliving high points of that life is "personalization".  Many people may select a particular casket, vault, urn, flower etc., but NONE will have the same story.  

Don't get me wrong, ritual is good.  Many celebrants work in conjunction with clergy to get the best of both worlds however, I personally feel I have not served a family to the best of my own ability if their loved one died and their story is left otherwise untold.  So many don't mention the name of the deceased after they die for fear it may evoke emotional responses.  That's the point however.  Tell the stories.  Some may cry, some may laugh, some may be a new story they didn't know about already and they may get to learn more about that person from the story.  But...if the story goes untold, none of that can happen.

Now I'm not saying we must get elaborate and it needn't be costly.  Celebrants can officiate in a back yard, field, on a boat etc.  The deceased's remains can either be present or not depending on many things.

So let's create the event of a lifetime.  Tell the story.  Every part of the funeral can be unique.

Ask your funeral service professional about these services if they don't bring it up.  For a list of Certified Funeral Service Celebrants near you go to http://www.insightbooks.com/ and click on "Find a Celebrant" in the lower right blue portion of the home page.

Let the story be told.  "We live on in the lives of those we touch."

Cremation Options

What is this you might ask?  It is an "Urn Arc".  That is, a way in which to present and otherwise display an urn containing cremated remains of a deceased person.  It also provides bars which are used for pall bearers to carry the deceased's remains from place to place.  This can be used at the funeral home, church or graveside.

So many of my families are now turning to cremation for final disposition but they are challenged with still trying to keep some portion or portions "traditional".  Here's one of the best ways to combine tradition with contemporary choices.  Many of my families have their loved ones cremated and then want services.  They know there are people who would want the distinguished honor of being a pall bearer but if there is merely an urn, only one person is needed to carry it and face it, it looks awkward.  With an urn arc, you can have from two to six pall bearers.  Additionally, the funeral home may use a hearse to transport the deceased in the urn arc from place to place giving another symbol of excellence and respect in transporting the remains to its place of final rest.

This is but one way to add a "traditional" sense of the service to an ever increasingly popular choice of cremation.

Ask your funeral director about availability as many funeral homes do not have an Urn Arc.  Our funeral homes do.

 

Casket - defined

Now there is a word that can evoke many thoughts and feelings.  In my business I prefer to look back into the history of the word and its evolution to today’s meaning.  The word “casket” may actually have its roots from the French word “casse” or “cassee” referencing a jewel case.  A place where one would store valuables.

Now that’s the way I use the word.  When I as a funeral director, take someone more precious than any gem, and place them in a suitable place after they die….that is a casket.  Then a fitting tribute to celebrate the life lived may commence.

Hope you all have a great week!