Hi All.
Yes it has been ions since my last post and I apologize. I think it may be time to update and revise some things.
Since July of 2016, Title 19 available funds for those that qualify have been reduced. Yes I said reduced. What once was up to $1800 was brought down to $1400 and is now $1200 with the governor considering another DECREASE to somewhere in the $900 area.
While this is rediculous to most of us, some think it is suitable for those less fortunate. My opinion.
So why decrease? Well, some would say it is because there are "cremation only services" or "cremation societies" that do it for a lot less than full-service funeral homes do. Their attractive advertising draws in those who want nothing other than to walk away with a box of cremated remains. No services. No obituary. No certified copies of the death certificate. Additionally, there are a myriad of upcharges until you walk out coming very close to what you'd pay elsewhere. Additionally one has to ask, "Are you getting everything you REALLY want?" "Are you NOT getting things you really want....or paid
CLICK HERE to see a recent, local, news report and then re-ask yourself the above questions.
Buyer beware goes for everyone, in all professions.
Call the funeral home of choice, or many of them AHEAD of the time of need if possible. Come and tour the facilities, talk with the directors, etc. Are you comfortable? Relaxed? Do you feel well cared for or do you feel....well...... pressured, unsure, just have that uneasy feeling in your gut? Trust that and run....run like the wind.
Company owned and operated or private mom and pop shop, just go where you feel cared for, catered to, and can feel compassion from the care giving funeral professional. Most of us are into this career with our hearts first and our minds and bodies follow. Just be comfortable.
I hope to add more articles soon.
God bless.
Wednesday, March 1, 2017
Tuesday, January 6, 2015
Arranging a Funeral When a Death Has Occurred
Hello again. I am going to attempt to define a few things herein and hope readers don't get upset.
Trust me when I say I understand the funeral consumer doesn't do this every day and we do so I understand some misconceptions when it comes to funeral planning. I keep this in mind when I write the following suggestions and a relateable story.
Your faith concerns are my first concern. If you are more comfortable calling your priest, minister or rabbi first, by all means please do so but please don't set all your dates and times of service with them before speaking with the funeral professional. Once the religious aspect is addressed, contact the funeral home so we can make arrangements to take your loved one into our care.
Funeral attendants will come to take your loved one into our care, provide preliminary and either provide a meeting time and date or advise you when to expect a call from the funeral home to schedule same. The funeral experts will guide you through everything.
Why do I say this? Well, if you remember from my earliest posts, one of my goals with this blog was to address questions, concerns etc. for many to benefit by the answer. This is one of those instances.
A friend of mine in the industry (who only has one chapel in his funeral home) came to me and explained the following which I put in synopsis form:
'Hey Mark. I had this family that called me when their loved one died just the other day. I got the info to make the removal from the place of death and that's when they hit me. They had contacted their clergy, church, cemetery and yes...even their caterer BEFORE calling me. They told me when they had everything set up and when they were having calling hours. I told them I already had calling hours arranged for another family I served before them so they couldn't have it when they wanted. They were highly insulted and angry with me.'
Well...that was the gist of it all. While this is the extreme exception and not the rule, it happened and I thought I'd pass it along.
Please leave the arranging to the arrangers.
Trust me when I say I understand the funeral consumer doesn't do this every day and we do so I understand some misconceptions when it comes to funeral planning. I keep this in mind when I write the following suggestions and a relateable story.
Your faith concerns are my first concern. If you are more comfortable calling your priest, minister or rabbi first, by all means please do so but please don't set all your dates and times of service with them before speaking with the funeral professional. Once the religious aspect is addressed, contact the funeral home so we can make arrangements to take your loved one into our care.
Funeral attendants will come to take your loved one into our care, provide preliminary and either provide a meeting time and date or advise you when to expect a call from the funeral home to schedule same. The funeral experts will guide you through everything.
Why do I say this? Well, if you remember from my earliest posts, one of my goals with this blog was to address questions, concerns etc. for many to benefit by the answer. This is one of those instances.
A friend of mine in the industry (who only has one chapel in his funeral home) came to me and explained the following which I put in synopsis form:
'Hey Mark. I had this family that called me when their loved one died just the other day. I got the info to make the removal from the place of death and that's when they hit me. They had contacted their clergy, church, cemetery and yes...even their caterer BEFORE calling me. They told me when they had everything set up and when they were having calling hours. I told them I already had calling hours arranged for another family I served before them so they couldn't have it when they wanted. They were highly insulted and angry with me.'
Well...that was the gist of it all. While this is the extreme exception and not the rule, it happened and I thought I'd pass it along.
Please leave the arranging to the arrangers.
Thursday, December 11, 2014
Trending
Again with the apologies about how long its been since I blogged concerning the funeral industry and my involvement and feelings about it. This short portion will be about what I've seen over the past couple of years as a trend.
This trend it mostly driven by the economy, I believe. Its official title is "direct cremation". Basically, a cremation with NO services. If this is what you have to do for financial reasons, I get it but please let me offer some suggestions. Don't just let your last thought about that loved one be what you saw after months or years enduring a disease and wasting away in a convalescent home. You can go inexpensive at a funeral home and still memorialize someone.
Granted, as a funeral director trying to make money for my home and myself (hey - that's reality) it is probably considered counter intuitive for me to be blogging about this but I hold true to this being more a "ministry" for me. A "calling" if you will.
Like it or not, we were trained or "conditioned" in our ways of grieving. It is cultural, it is social, it is ingrained in us. We process our grief the way we were taught from the time we were young. Ask yourself...how old was I when I went to my first funeral? Was there a body in a casket? Was the casket closed or open? Was there an urn with a photo near it? Was there any urn at all or maybe just a photo or picture board? Then of those, ask which one of those scenarios you attended the most over the years and that is your training. That helped you manage how you got through that time. No matter which one of these you identified with, I'll be willing to bet you didn't answer something like, "when my ___________ died, we did nothing."
So how do we do things on a shoestring budget and still get the conditioned response we're used to? Don't change it? If you have to modify it, try to keep some part of it the same.
Example: If you're used to open casket viewing calling hours and so on... modify it to a closed casket (even if there is an urn with cremated remains inside). This will save you money (rental caskets available at most funeral facilities) and cremation is much less expensive than full service traditional burial.
Example: If your used to calling hours the night before, coming back to the funeral home the next morning, going in procession to church, then procession to a cemetery try having everything on the same day instead. Maybe a calling hour at the funeral home then to the church then cemetery. OR, Just a church service, then the cemetery. This too is less expensive.
Your funeral director should be able to work with you at modifying the funeral experience so as to minimally deviate from your "norm" and still save money.
I don't think in any of the scenarios any funeral director will come up with will he or she say, "just cremate and forget about it." Its ingrained in our lives to mourn, grieve and pay tribute... one last time. Do it in a way as unique as the life lived because no two people live their life exactly the same.
God bless.
This trend it mostly driven by the economy, I believe. Its official title is "direct cremation". Basically, a cremation with NO services. If this is what you have to do for financial reasons, I get it but please let me offer some suggestions. Don't just let your last thought about that loved one be what you saw after months or years enduring a disease and wasting away in a convalescent home. You can go inexpensive at a funeral home and still memorialize someone.
Granted, as a funeral director trying to make money for my home and myself (hey - that's reality) it is probably considered counter intuitive for me to be blogging about this but I hold true to this being more a "ministry" for me. A "calling" if you will.
Like it or not, we were trained or "conditioned" in our ways of grieving. It is cultural, it is social, it is ingrained in us. We process our grief the way we were taught from the time we were young. Ask yourself...how old was I when I went to my first funeral? Was there a body in a casket? Was the casket closed or open? Was there an urn with a photo near it? Was there any urn at all or maybe just a photo or picture board? Then of those, ask which one of those scenarios you attended the most over the years and that is your training. That helped you manage how you got through that time. No matter which one of these you identified with, I'll be willing to bet you didn't answer something like, "when my ___________ died, we did nothing."
So how do we do things on a shoestring budget and still get the conditioned response we're used to? Don't change it? If you have to modify it, try to keep some part of it the same.
Example: If you're used to open casket viewing calling hours and so on... modify it to a closed casket (even if there is an urn with cremated remains inside). This will save you money (rental caskets available at most funeral facilities) and cremation is much less expensive than full service traditional burial.
Example: If your used to calling hours the night before, coming back to the funeral home the next morning, going in procession to church, then procession to a cemetery try having everything on the same day instead. Maybe a calling hour at the funeral home then to the church then cemetery. OR, Just a church service, then the cemetery. This too is less expensive.
Your funeral director should be able to work with you at modifying the funeral experience so as to minimally deviate from your "norm" and still save money.
I don't think in any of the scenarios any funeral director will come up with will he or she say, "just cremate and forget about it." Its ingrained in our lives to mourn, grieve and pay tribute... one last time. Do it in a way as unique as the life lived because no two people live their life exactly the same.
God bless.
Saturday, February 1, 2014
Pre-need basics
So you have life insurance so you don't need to have pre-need funeral coverage.
Check your state but in Connecticut, if you have a sizable life insurance policy and end up having to go on long-term care / Title 19, you will be forced to surrender it because it's an asset. Of course when you "cash out" of a life insurance prematurely you also take a financial hit which the insurance industry more politically correctly calls a "fee" and sometimes is bold enough to call a "penalty". No matter how you word it, you lose money. YOUR money.
I hear my life insurance is assignable. (Meaning your beneficiary(ies) can have it pay for the funeral directly without any out of pocket expense provided the policy amount covers the funeral bill)
Yes. This is true. However, refer to the first paragraph regarding Title 19. Additionally, there are other added bonuses to electing to have a pre-need at most funeral homes. Those are -
Your money is held by a third party and insured like money in the bank in case something happens to your funeral home of choice in between the time you sign your pre-need contract and the time of death.
Also, in most cases (including the homes I work at), all the funeral home costs of goods and services are price protected f-o-r-e-v-e-r. That is, if you purchase a casket today for $1,000 and don't require one for another 75 years, you get that or a casket of similar materials, quality etc., for $1,000. Funeral home goods and services are their professional services charge, transfer from the place of death to the funeral home, embalming, dressing/casketing, calling hours, use of chapel or staff to attend and coordinate a funeral service off premises, register book, prayer cards, outer burial container aka. vault at the cemetery and many more charges.
In the olden days, many directors would put your money in certificates of deposit and hope that the interest rate covered the inflationary rate. If it didn't, you would simply owe more when the time came. To me, that doesn't give piece of mind.
So what's not covered in your price protection?
Glad you asked. Anything that we have to pay out on your behalf and therefore have no control over the costs of is not covered. Examples are: obituary costs, grave opening, certified copies of the death certificate, clergy, organist/soloist, church charges, cemetery sexton charges, medical examiner's fee etc. You can put money away in the pre-need contract to help offset those charges when the time comes but we can't tell other agencies what they have to charge us or you. We just make those payments out of the funeral fund at no added expense to you, the family, so you don't have to walk around with a checkbook writing checks to a multitude of places or providing credit card numbers all over the place.
Once I write this stuff down and sign it, no one can change it.....right?
Wrong.
Your loved ones may modify it however they see fit at the time of need. Additionally there is a legal line of kindred so someone you may not want making those decisions on your behalf may have the law on their side. BUT....what you can do, is simply fill out a notarized legal form designating someone with a backup someone who you think will carry out your wishes. That form supersedes the legal line of kindred. Of course, in the litigious society in which we live, nothing is "bullet proof" and processes may be dragged out through court but at least doing this ahead of time will give you and the person(s) you designate, a leg up during that process if it comes to it.
More to come in another post at a later time. I just like to put out little bits to chew on at any one time because there is just so much to learn, know and prepare for, if I did it all in one huge document you may feel overwhelmed.
I hope you all enjoy these little tidbits I put out and again, remember to go to the funeral home(s) you are considering and look them over. Meet the directors and support staff. Talk with them. If you're not comfortable, go somewhere else. Don't just go somewhere cause that's where you always went. Go somewhere you are comfortable and confident in. Go in with the attitude that this is all about YOU because..... it is!
Check your state but in Connecticut, if you have a sizable life insurance policy and end up having to go on long-term care / Title 19, you will be forced to surrender it because it's an asset. Of course when you "cash out" of a life insurance prematurely you also take a financial hit which the insurance industry more politically correctly calls a "fee" and sometimes is bold enough to call a "penalty". No matter how you word it, you lose money. YOUR money.
I hear my life insurance is assignable. (Meaning your beneficiary(ies) can have it pay for the funeral directly without any out of pocket expense provided the policy amount covers the funeral bill)
Yes. This is true. However, refer to the first paragraph regarding Title 19. Additionally, there are other added bonuses to electing to have a pre-need at most funeral homes. Those are -
Your money is held by a third party and insured like money in the bank in case something happens to your funeral home of choice in between the time you sign your pre-need contract and the time of death.
Also, in most cases (including the homes I work at), all the funeral home costs of goods and services are price protected f-o-r-e-v-e-r. That is, if you purchase a casket today for $1,000 and don't require one for another 75 years, you get that or a casket of similar materials, quality etc., for $1,000. Funeral home goods and services are their professional services charge, transfer from the place of death to the funeral home, embalming, dressing/casketing, calling hours, use of chapel or staff to attend and coordinate a funeral service off premises, register book, prayer cards, outer burial container aka. vault at the cemetery and many more charges.
In the olden days, many directors would put your money in certificates of deposit and hope that the interest rate covered the inflationary rate. If it didn't, you would simply owe more when the time came. To me, that doesn't give piece of mind.
So what's not covered in your price protection?
Glad you asked. Anything that we have to pay out on your behalf and therefore have no control over the costs of is not covered. Examples are: obituary costs, grave opening, certified copies of the death certificate, clergy, organist/soloist, church charges, cemetery sexton charges, medical examiner's fee etc. You can put money away in the pre-need contract to help offset those charges when the time comes but we can't tell other agencies what they have to charge us or you. We just make those payments out of the funeral fund at no added expense to you, the family, so you don't have to walk around with a checkbook writing checks to a multitude of places or providing credit card numbers all over the place.
Once I write this stuff down and sign it, no one can change it.....right?
Wrong.
Your loved ones may modify it however they see fit at the time of need. Additionally there is a legal line of kindred so someone you may not want making those decisions on your behalf may have the law on their side. BUT....what you can do, is simply fill out a notarized legal form designating someone with a backup someone who you think will carry out your wishes. That form supersedes the legal line of kindred. Of course, in the litigious society in which we live, nothing is "bullet proof" and processes may be dragged out through court but at least doing this ahead of time will give you and the person(s) you designate, a leg up during that process if it comes to it.
More to come in another post at a later time. I just like to put out little bits to chew on at any one time because there is just so much to learn, know and prepare for, if I did it all in one huge document you may feel overwhelmed.
I hope you all enjoy these little tidbits I put out and again, remember to go to the funeral home(s) you are considering and look them over. Meet the directors and support staff. Talk with them. If you're not comfortable, go somewhere else. Don't just go somewhere cause that's where you always went. Go somewhere you are comfortable and confident in. Go in with the attitude that this is all about YOU because..... it is!
Wednesday, November 27, 2013
Prearranging a funeral
WOW! It's been a long time since I've written. I apologize for leaving you hanging. Work has been very busy and I focus 100% on my families I serve and write when I have time after they are served to the best of my abilities.
Many have told me they haven't prearranged because it "freaks them out" or they just don't want to think about it or face their own mortality. I totally get that. When I went to mortuary school I had to write my own pre-planned funeral arrangements including my obituary, pick out music for the service, select a casket, vault, purchase cemetery property etc. It was in fact, uncomfortable. But like I said previously, we prepare for what MAY happen and get insurance just in case, we fail to prepare for the inevitable.
In the "old days", funeral homes would take your money and chase banks locally to try to find the best rate of return, deposit your money to hold for you and hope the interest rates would cover inflationary rates when the need came. Well interest rates aren't what they used to be and many are finding their family still has to pony up significant cash at the time.
What some funeral homes (the ones I work for included) do is put your money into insurance AND price guarantee the funeral home costs f-o-r-e-v-e-r. So your $1700 casket today will be sold to your family at the time of need for....you guessed it, $1700. The basic professional service fees, embalming, hearse, vault, calling hours and so much more...all price guaranteed. What's not price guaranteed? Outside costs. They are what other entities or people charge the funeral home. Examples are obituaries, certified copies of the death certificate, clergy, musicians etc. In some cases this could also include the crematory cost however, with the funeral homes I work at, we own our own crematory so that would be a fixed cost and price guaranteed forever.
Funeral homes, for the most part, want to be paid in full by the date of service. Some may offer payment plans with interest. Pre-arranging allows you to enter into a payment plan in most cases which makes things more manageable when spread over 1, 3, 5 or more years.
Based on this simple information you can see how this would benefit you, your family, and or your estate substantially. Price protecting and locking in today's prices forever! It is said that funeral costs double every 8 to 10 years. Here's a great way to keep costs in check, make sure your wishes are adhered to, appoint someone to handle your arrangements outside of the legal next of kin listed by the state, pre-authorize your own cremation if you wish and so many more advantages people don't think of because they simply don't want to.
This is a reality for all of us that once met and handled takes an underlying burden off of many.
The next tidbit I offer will be to answer those who say, "But I already have life insurance."
Wednesday, June 5, 2013
Introduction to Pre-arranging a funeral
Hello again ~ so many people I've gotten to speak with over the years concerning pre-arranging or pre-planning with regards to a funeral believe that means you're going to die. To which I reply, "uhhhh yeah." Maybe my viewpoint is a bit jaded because I'm in the business but here's my analogy -
You purchase insurance for your car IN CASE you get in an accident...but most people don't.
You purchase insurance for your home IN CASE of fire....but most homes never experience a fire.
You purchase renters insurance for your apartment IN CASE something happens to your "stuff" but most times nothing does happen to it.
You take all those precautions against things that may, in fact most likely WON'T occur yet when it comes to pre-planning for your or a loved one's funeral you don't and yet that is the only one of these topics that is a "when" and not an "if". We all die.
True it is not a pleasant thing to ponder yet it protects your family/loved ones, friends or whoever is left to make the final arrangements when the time actually comes. There is a plethora of information that needs to be gathered and in short order once a death has occurred. There's even more decisions that have to be made; burial versus cremation, if cremation will remains be scattered, buried, kept on a shelf, if burial is there cemetery property, will military honors be rendered, where are those discharge papers again, do I want a religious service, will the service be at a church - synagogue - or at the funeral home, what do you mean you need the deceased's mother's maiden name, how about a register book and prayer cards for the visitation - there's only 175 verses to select from and about 35 different card variations, flowers, donations to where in lieu of flowers, will you have calling hours/viewing or just funeral service or possibly just a simple graveside service, and so so so many more things to consider all topped off with payment due by the date of service which is typically anywhere from 2 days to a week. That's a short amount of time to come up with $2000 to $12000 in this region for the wide range of most standard services from simple cremation to semi-elaborate burial.
Now I'm not trying to scare you here, just to be frank and make you think. Taking these steps allows you to price shop around, see the funeral home ahead of time, see if you fit with the philosophy of the director(s), if they'll adhere to your wishes etc. The days of just going to the same funeral home you used for great great gramma are over. You should go where everything seems to come together and "fit" the way you want. Where you're not pressured. Where you're comfortable. Don't let tradition trump the best service at the best price where you're offered the best protection just because it's always been done at that place. No funeral home should ever rest on their laurels because that's when things get lackadaisical and well, things get "cookie cutter" as everyone is in a rut doing everything the same just because no one wants to think independently or be creative in making a funeral as unique as the life lived.
With all this being said, I will let you know I'm preparing to write a series on pre-planning. Again, refer to my disclaimer in the right hand column. These views are my own but I am compelled to share them and give you as much information as possible because knowledge is power and I want all the readers of this blog to be empowered. No matter what funeral home you use, I want you to feel well served, protected and comfortable in your choices.
Be well and I'll return in a few days to provide more pointed information after you've had time to think about these things I've written of in this component of pre-arranging/pre-planning.
You purchase insurance for your car IN CASE you get in an accident...but most people don't.
You purchase insurance for your home IN CASE of fire....but most homes never experience a fire.
You purchase renters insurance for your apartment IN CASE something happens to your "stuff" but most times nothing does happen to it.
You take all those precautions against things that may, in fact most likely WON'T occur yet when it comes to pre-planning for your or a loved one's funeral you don't and yet that is the only one of these topics that is a "when" and not an "if". We all die.
True it is not a pleasant thing to ponder yet it protects your family/loved ones, friends or whoever is left to make the final arrangements when the time actually comes. There is a plethora of information that needs to be gathered and in short order once a death has occurred. There's even more decisions that have to be made; burial versus cremation, if cremation will remains be scattered, buried, kept on a shelf, if burial is there cemetery property, will military honors be rendered, where are those discharge papers again, do I want a religious service, will the service be at a church - synagogue - or at the funeral home, what do you mean you need the deceased's mother's maiden name, how about a register book and prayer cards for the visitation - there's only 175 verses to select from and about 35 different card variations, flowers, donations to where in lieu of flowers, will you have calling hours/viewing or just funeral service or possibly just a simple graveside service, and so so so many more things to consider all topped off with payment due by the date of service which is typically anywhere from 2 days to a week. That's a short amount of time to come up with $2000 to $12000 in this region for the wide range of most standard services from simple cremation to semi-elaborate burial.
Now I'm not trying to scare you here, just to be frank and make you think. Taking these steps allows you to price shop around, see the funeral home ahead of time, see if you fit with the philosophy of the director(s), if they'll adhere to your wishes etc. The days of just going to the same funeral home you used for great great gramma are over. You should go where everything seems to come together and "fit" the way you want. Where you're not pressured. Where you're comfortable. Don't let tradition trump the best service at the best price where you're offered the best protection just because it's always been done at that place. No funeral home should ever rest on their laurels because that's when things get lackadaisical and well, things get "cookie cutter" as everyone is in a rut doing everything the same just because no one wants to think independently or be creative in making a funeral as unique as the life lived.
With all this being said, I will let you know I'm preparing to write a series on pre-planning. Again, refer to my disclaimer in the right hand column. These views are my own but I am compelled to share them and give you as much information as possible because knowledge is power and I want all the readers of this blog to be empowered. No matter what funeral home you use, I want you to feel well served, protected and comfortable in your choices.
Be well and I'll return in a few days to provide more pointed information after you've had time to think about these things I've written of in this component of pre-arranging/pre-planning.
Sunday, May 26, 2013
Funeral Directors Feelings
I've had people say, "You must be immune" to me when discussing feelings towards peoples death. I can assure you, nothing can be further from the truth. I speak for me and many colleagues I've had this frank conversation with.
True, we get hardened somewhat to varying degrees. True, we are layers apart from the families we are working with dealing with the death of their loved one whom they have known and been close with since conception through several decades. I never pretend to know what the family is dealing with or feeling. I am not in their shoes. I don't know and to simply supply mouth service here, I feel, is a disservice to the family. I did not have that relationship with the person who died.
Still, being an active listener, connecting with my families (yes I refer to families I meet with and handle funerals for their loved ones as "my family"), I do become attached. Sometimes I am so touched by stories I share tears with my families. Sometimes I enjoy their stories so much I feel somehow cheated for not having known the deceased prior to their death. And at times I laugh with families sharing humorous stories or anecdotes of their loved one.
There is that layer that remains however which is what allows me to maintain my professionalism and orchestrate and perform the services without being overwhelmed emotionally like true family members would be.
This is where I can comment about my general statement you see in the right column of this page. I don't take the title "director" in funeral director too much to heart. I want to be a funeral "guide" helping people down a path they don't want to take to make certain they come out at the end of the trip in a place as good as we can possibly get it . . . together. Thankfully, people don't have to plan and organize all of the intricate details for funerals every day. That's where we as funeral service professionals come in.
Yes, the job can be emotionally draining but when the services are completed and I get a hug along with a "thank you" from the family....to me, that's what makes it all worth it. That's better than a paycheck to me but please don't tell my boss. ;-)
True, we get hardened somewhat to varying degrees. True, we are layers apart from the families we are working with dealing with the death of their loved one whom they have known and been close with since conception through several decades. I never pretend to know what the family is dealing with or feeling. I am not in their shoes. I don't know and to simply supply mouth service here, I feel, is a disservice to the family. I did not have that relationship with the person who died.
Still, being an active listener, connecting with my families (yes I refer to families I meet with and handle funerals for their loved ones as "my family"), I do become attached. Sometimes I am so touched by stories I share tears with my families. Sometimes I enjoy their stories so much I feel somehow cheated for not having known the deceased prior to their death. And at times I laugh with families sharing humorous stories or anecdotes of their loved one.
There is that layer that remains however which is what allows me to maintain my professionalism and orchestrate and perform the services without being overwhelmed emotionally like true family members would be.
This is where I can comment about my general statement you see in the right column of this page. I don't take the title "director" in funeral director too much to heart. I want to be a funeral "guide" helping people down a path they don't want to take to make certain they come out at the end of the trip in a place as good as we can possibly get it . . . together. Thankfully, people don't have to plan and organize all of the intricate details for funerals every day. That's where we as funeral service professionals come in.
Yes, the job can be emotionally draining but when the services are completed and I get a hug along with a "thank you" from the family....to me, that's what makes it all worth it. That's better than a paycheck to me but please don't tell my boss. ;-)
Wednesday, May 22, 2013
TAPS....beautiful taps
Whether you are in the military, were in the military, knew a 2nd cousin's mother's half-step brother that was in the military or none of the above, I think everyone will agree that the music of TAPS evokes deep emotions.
Here is a video I would like to share with you that a dear friend of mine just recently shared with me.. Let me set it up for you:
The conductor of the orchestra is Andre Rieu from Holland. The young lady, her trumpet and her rendition of TAPS will make your hair stand on end.
Many may have never heard taps played in its entirety, for all the men and women that have died for our freedom. This is an opportunity you won't want to miss and I guarantee you'll never forget.
Melissa Venema, age 13 in this video, is the trumpet soloist and is also from Holland.
Here is TAPS played in its entirety. The original version of TAPS was called the Last Post, and was written by Daniel Butterfield in 1861. IT was rather lengthy and formal, as you will hear in this clip. As a result, in 1862, it was shortened to 24 notes and re-named "Taps".
(The soloist is playing it on a trumpet however this piece was written to be played on a bugle)
Follow this link:
http://www.flixxy.com/trumpet-solo-melissa-venema.htm#.UZ1k8LU4SSo
Here is a video I would like to share with you that a dear friend of mine just recently shared with me.. Let me set it up for you:
The conductor of the orchestra is Andre Rieu from Holland. The young lady, her trumpet and her rendition of TAPS will make your hair stand on end.
Many may have never heard taps played in its entirety, for all the men and women that have died for our freedom. This is an opportunity you won't want to miss and I guarantee you'll never forget.
Melissa Venema, age 13 in this video, is the trumpet soloist and is also from Holland.
Here is TAPS played in its entirety. The original version of TAPS was called the Last Post, and was written by Daniel Butterfield in 1861. IT was rather lengthy and formal, as you will hear in this clip. As a result, in 1862, it was shortened to 24 notes and re-named "Taps".
(The soloist is playing it on a trumpet however this piece was written to be played on a bugle)
Follow this link:
http://www.flixxy.com/trumpet-solo-melissa-venema.htm#.UZ1k8LU4SSo
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
Family owned and operated since ....
Hello again. Sorry it's been so long since I last added to this blog. The general purpose of my starting this blog was to dispel frequent misperceptions in and of the funeral industry. Today's topic? Family owner versus corporate owned funeral homes.
There are pros and cons to both. To think one is better than the next simply due to ownership, I feel, is one of those common misperceptions. Here are some things I've heard along with some of the things I know and/or have feelings about.
Advertisement: "Family owned and operated since ________"
My commentary: All this means is the same family has run it for a particular amount of time. That statement doesn't make it a "good" funeral home any more than the next one in town. I know a family owned and operated store in town (not a funeral home) that many people wonder how it's stayed in business so long because of poor service, lack of modernization and a small variety of selections to purchase.
Comment I have heard in public: " Big corporations mean loss of local jobs".
My commentary: Where I work is corporate owned. It is in the town where I was born and grew up and lived and still live. I worked there when it was "family owned and operated" and now that it is corporate owned. Others I work with are local. Just because corporate headquarters is in Texas doesn't mean they brought in a bunch of "good ole boys" to take over.
Advertisement: "Air conditioned parlors. Ample parking."
My commentary: Really? I don't know of any public meeting place that isn't air conditioned anymore. Move on and start discussing what you do to serve your client families. That is not a divide between family owned and corporate owned.
How about discussing what you have to offer to families that is unique, special, an offering that you have that others do not have?
Don't get me wrong. There are pro's and con's to both private and corporate ownership. What the smart consumer needs to do is shop, compare and go where they feel comfortable. Of course in this industry, that is best served before a death occurs. To those who would simply say they're not going to a funeral home because it is corporate owned my standard answer is then for them not to shop at Wal-Mart, don't eat at McDonalds, buy your gasoline at Mobil, or get home improvement supplies from Home Depot.
Of course I'm not saying not to shop or eat at those places but merely making an analogy for illustrative purposes.
There are pros and cons to both. To think one is better than the next simply due to ownership, I feel, is one of those common misperceptions. Here are some things I've heard along with some of the things I know and/or have feelings about.
Advertisement: "Family owned and operated since ________"
My commentary: All this means is the same family has run it for a particular amount of time. That statement doesn't make it a "good" funeral home any more than the next one in town. I know a family owned and operated store in town (not a funeral home) that many people wonder how it's stayed in business so long because of poor service, lack of modernization and a small variety of selections to purchase.
Comment I have heard in public: " Big corporations mean loss of local jobs".
My commentary: Where I work is corporate owned. It is in the town where I was born and grew up and lived and still live. I worked there when it was "family owned and operated" and now that it is corporate owned. Others I work with are local. Just because corporate headquarters is in Texas doesn't mean they brought in a bunch of "good ole boys" to take over.
Advertisement: "Air conditioned parlors. Ample parking."
My commentary: Really? I don't know of any public meeting place that isn't air conditioned anymore. Move on and start discussing what you do to serve your client families. That is not a divide between family owned and corporate owned.
How about discussing what you have to offer to families that is unique, special, an offering that you have that others do not have?
Don't get me wrong. There are pro's and con's to both private and corporate ownership. What the smart consumer needs to do is shop, compare and go where they feel comfortable. Of course in this industry, that is best served before a death occurs. To those who would simply say they're not going to a funeral home because it is corporate owned my standard answer is then for them not to shop at Wal-Mart, don't eat at McDonalds, buy your gasoline at Mobil, or get home improvement supplies from Home Depot.
Of course I'm not saying not to shop or eat at those places but merely making an analogy for illustrative purposes.
Saturday, March 9, 2013
Cremation commentary
So many families I serve come in and say they want a cremation. It may be for the cost (about .48 on the dollar compared to burial on average), or that this seems to be trending like a viral YouTube video, or a myriad of other reasons. My mantra is to do what the family wants as long as it's not illegal, immoral or unethical so needless to say, I'm on board with cremation. Here's some factual information on cremation:
1) Cremation is now accepted by the Roman Catholic Church however, they prefer the body be brought in to church first (at least in my diocese) and the cremation performed afterward. Once you have the cremated remains back, they are to be buried or placed in a columbarium niche or mausoleum (aka hallowed ground) and not to be retained on the mantel.
2) Cremation does in about 3 hours what a ground burial does over several decades.
3) There is no need for embalming (in CT) if you are going to be cremated unless you're having an open casket public viewing first.
4) Cremation can't take place in CT for a full 48 hours after the death. This is primarily in case any medical or legal questions arises as cremation is a "final disposition" and evidence of any wrongdoing is gone forever forensically speaking anyway.
5) There is no legal requirement for an urn. And if you want an urn, you can use anything for an urn as there is no legal requirement for the vessel. For example, there was an older woman who was known for her chocolate/peanut butter chip cookies. When she was cremated, we used her cookie jar as the urn. Similarly, a gentleman was big into motorcycle riding and doing his own airbrush artwork. With his girlfriend's permission we used the gas tank from his motorcycle that he did all his latest artwork on as his urn. Let your imagination run with this. Just know that if you are placing all of the cremated remains in one container, you'll need it to be able to hold about 190 to 210 cubic inches in volume.
6) Many believe "cremation" means burning a body to ashes and giving those ashes to someone to take custody of and that's that. All she wrote. The end. However, there are many many options.
- cremation allows people time to have services. In today's society, family and friends are scattered about the country, heck - the globe. Cremation renders the remains sanitary and inert and with no public health concern thereafter, the services can be delayed for weeks or months if you wish.
- cremation can be a hybrid of "traditional" funeral services and cremation services. For example; you could have open casket public viewing (calling hours / visitation) have a funeral service in the funeral home the next day or same day as the calling hours with cremation to occur a day or two after with the family retaining the cremated remains or having a public or private burial thereafter.
- cremation can be done and you can have a Memorial Service either with or without the cremated remains present based on your timeline for when you want to have the service(s) and when the cremation can actually take place. Many times there is an urn (sometimes with and sometimes without cremated remains contained therein as the family requests), a picture and possible personal memorabilia about that person for the funeral home service or calling hours.
- cremation can be an immediate disposal. That is, cremation with no services, no burial, no nothing. Just take care of the legal paperwork, transport the person to and from the crematory and give the cremated remains to family or friends and be done with it.
On the later, I can't begin to tell you how many times the family said, "That was all he/.she wanted". My response is typically, "Do what you want. It's not about them any longer. They are in the place they believed they would be after they died. It's the family that now has to deal with and cope with the loss and most find some sort of funeral or memorial service therapeutic,
It doesn't have to be fancy. It doesn't have to be expensive. But sometimes, it just has to be....for you, the surviving spouse, brother, child, friend etc...
Please have at least a frank conversation with family/friends to let you wishes be known. Cremation or burial as that's the first hurdle. I'll be doing a segment on prearranging and the plethora of benefits of doing that in later blogs. I hope you will join me and be an informed consumer of funeral goods and services.
1) Cremation is now accepted by the Roman Catholic Church however, they prefer the body be brought in to church first (at least in my diocese) and the cremation performed afterward. Once you have the cremated remains back, they are to be buried or placed in a columbarium niche or mausoleum (aka hallowed ground) and not to be retained on the mantel.
2) Cremation does in about 3 hours what a ground burial does over several decades.
3) There is no need for embalming (in CT) if you are going to be cremated unless you're having an open casket public viewing first.
4) Cremation can't take place in CT for a full 48 hours after the death. This is primarily in case any medical or legal questions arises as cremation is a "final disposition" and evidence of any wrongdoing is gone forever forensically speaking anyway.
5) There is no legal requirement for an urn. And if you want an urn, you can use anything for an urn as there is no legal requirement for the vessel. For example, there was an older woman who was known for her chocolate/peanut butter chip cookies. When she was cremated, we used her cookie jar as the urn. Similarly, a gentleman was big into motorcycle riding and doing his own airbrush artwork. With his girlfriend's permission we used the gas tank from his motorcycle that he did all his latest artwork on as his urn. Let your imagination run with this. Just know that if you are placing all of the cremated remains in one container, you'll need it to be able to hold about 190 to 210 cubic inches in volume.
6) Many believe "cremation" means burning a body to ashes and giving those ashes to someone to take custody of and that's that. All she wrote. The end. However, there are many many options.
- cremation allows people time to have services. In today's society, family and friends are scattered about the country, heck - the globe. Cremation renders the remains sanitary and inert and with no public health concern thereafter, the services can be delayed for weeks or months if you wish.
- cremation can be a hybrid of "traditional" funeral services and cremation services. For example; you could have open casket public viewing (calling hours / visitation) have a funeral service in the funeral home the next day or same day as the calling hours with cremation to occur a day or two after with the family retaining the cremated remains or having a public or private burial thereafter.
- cremation can be done and you can have a Memorial Service either with or without the cremated remains present based on your timeline for when you want to have the service(s) and when the cremation can actually take place. Many times there is an urn (sometimes with and sometimes without cremated remains contained therein as the family requests), a picture and possible personal memorabilia about that person for the funeral home service or calling hours.
- cremation can be an immediate disposal. That is, cremation with no services, no burial, no nothing. Just take care of the legal paperwork, transport the person to and from the crematory and give the cremated remains to family or friends and be done with it.
On the later, I can't begin to tell you how many times the family said, "That was all he/.she wanted". My response is typically, "Do what you want. It's not about them any longer. They are in the place they believed they would be after they died. It's the family that now has to deal with and cope with the loss and most find some sort of funeral or memorial service therapeutic,
It doesn't have to be fancy. It doesn't have to be expensive. But sometimes, it just has to be....for you, the surviving spouse, brother, child, friend etc...
Please have at least a frank conversation with family/friends to let you wishes be known. Cremation or burial as that's the first hurdle. I'll be doing a segment on prearranging and the plethora of benefits of doing that in later blogs. I hope you will join me and be an informed consumer of funeral goods and services.
Thursday, February 14, 2013
Food & Beverage
In Connecticut, food and beverage are not allowed in a funeral home in conjunction with any funeral services or wakes. Yes, that means the coffee that so many of us walk around all day holding. Water is considered a "base" and not a "beverage" so if you much have a drink in your hand, please have it be a bottled water.
Connecticut is one of the last states in the union to disallow this.
The funeral homes I work at offer catered receptions at area venues or delivered to your home or hall as you select. This is NOT food in the funeral home but at another location and is convenient for many families to have all on one bill. It's all up to you.
Now you know.
Connecticut is one of the last states in the union to disallow this.
The funeral homes I work at offer catered receptions at area venues or delivered to your home or hall as you select. This is NOT food in the funeral home but at another location and is convenient for many families to have all on one bill. It's all up to you.
Now you know.
Thursday, January 24, 2013
Lets do it
My main goal in serving a family's needs is celebrating a life as uniquely as it was lived. My rules? If it's not illegal, immoral or unethical, I'm on board.
- For a farming family I put the casket on bales of hay from the family farm instead of the church truck that caskets usually rest on and lashed corn stalks to the head and foot of his casket
- For the woman who was known for her rose bushes around her home, I received permission to transplant four of them into large planters and we placed them around her casket
- For someone who was very much into polka music, we not only played it during calling hours but I made the pre-arrangements with that person when they were diagnosed with a terminal illness and he wanted everyone to have "one last polka" before we closed the casket. I made the announcement and we played the song he requested we play and we danced.
- For someone who was known for the afghans they knitted, I put the person's knitting needles in the person's hands in the casket with the last piece she was working on before she died and draped it over the top of the casket.
- For someone who was into fishing....we put crossed fishing poles across the head panel of the casket and brought his 12' boat in and adorned it with his fishing paraphernalia
As you can see, there is a lot of room for customization if your director is willing to work with you, suggest things other than "traditional" and possibly, do a little extra.
The props and area around the calling hours and funeral service I refer to as "customization". "Personalization" on the other hand is a story told unique to that person's life. For more about that, read my segment on Funeral Service Celebrants.
I hope you look into the opportunity to have a funeral service representative of the uniqueness of the life lived.
- For a farming family I put the casket on bales of hay from the family farm instead of the church truck that caskets usually rest on and lashed corn stalks to the head and foot of his casket
- For the woman who was known for her rose bushes around her home, I received permission to transplant four of them into large planters and we placed them around her casket
- For someone who was very much into polka music, we not only played it during calling hours but I made the pre-arrangements with that person when they were diagnosed with a terminal illness and he wanted everyone to have "one last polka" before we closed the casket. I made the announcement and we played the song he requested we play and we danced.
- For someone who was known for the afghans they knitted, I put the person's knitting needles in the person's hands in the casket with the last piece she was working on before she died and draped it over the top of the casket.
- For someone who was into fishing....we put crossed fishing poles across the head panel of the casket and brought his 12' boat in and adorned it with his fishing paraphernalia
As you can see, there is a lot of room for customization if your director is willing to work with you, suggest things other than "traditional" and possibly, do a little extra.
The props and area around the calling hours and funeral service I refer to as "customization". "Personalization" on the other hand is a story told unique to that person's life. For more about that, read my segment on Funeral Service Celebrants.
I hope you look into the opportunity to have a funeral service representative of the uniqueness of the life lived.
Thursday, December 27, 2012
Calling Hours and etiquette
Hello all - please know that I try to be tactful when writing and it is not my intention to offend anyone. With that being said I would like to take a moment to discuss calling hours.
The tradition of two or three days of calling hours from 2pm-4pm and 7pm-9pm are for the most part, gone. The new trend is either one set of calling hours from 2 to 4 hours in duration in one sitting the night before OR all one day service with a calling hour or two at the funeral home before a funeral service at the funeral home or place of worship, possibly with burial immediately following or not at all.
I am in the habit of having the family come in 1/2 to 3/4 of an hour prior to the actual start of calling hours. This is to allow the immediate family to make certain everything is set up in a fashion that is acceptable to them and to allow them private time with their loved one in this setting before having to greet visitors. This is why it is important that those wishing to attend calling hours adhere to the times posted in the obituary. Many I have seen want to "speed visit" and think they will be in and out faster to pay their respects if they just get there a little early as there will be less of a crowd at that point. I don't allow these people in until the posted time in the obituary because the service is for the family and not the visitor's schedule. The family I serve comes first. Some visitors have gotten upset with me or support staff but they lost the focus as to why we even have calling hours.
Then there is the other end of the calling hours. They are always posted to end at a particular time, please respect that. This time is both physically and emotionally draining on families. Just because you can't make it until 5 minutes before calling hours are to come to an end doesn't mean the family wants to visit for an additional 20 minutes beyond what they expected and they've already been there visiting with others for possibly hours. It may be better to send flowers, make a memorial donation in lieu of flowers if that is what the family requested in the obituary, send a card or letter or leave an online condolence rather than make them stay longer just to not make you feel bad about getting their late.
The funeral homes I work at don't charge additional if calling hours run late however I am aware of some that do. That additional cost associated may also be passed on to the family.
Families set the time span they want to have calling hours. Please respect that if you are attending to "show your respect" to the family.
The tradition of two or three days of calling hours from 2pm-4pm and 7pm-9pm are for the most part, gone. The new trend is either one set of calling hours from 2 to 4 hours in duration in one sitting the night before OR all one day service with a calling hour or two at the funeral home before a funeral service at the funeral home or place of worship, possibly with burial immediately following or not at all.
I am in the habit of having the family come in 1/2 to 3/4 of an hour prior to the actual start of calling hours. This is to allow the immediate family to make certain everything is set up in a fashion that is acceptable to them and to allow them private time with their loved one in this setting before having to greet visitors. This is why it is important that those wishing to attend calling hours adhere to the times posted in the obituary. Many I have seen want to "speed visit" and think they will be in and out faster to pay their respects if they just get there a little early as there will be less of a crowd at that point. I don't allow these people in until the posted time in the obituary because the service is for the family and not the visitor's schedule. The family I serve comes first. Some visitors have gotten upset with me or support staff but they lost the focus as to why we even have calling hours.
Then there is the other end of the calling hours. They are always posted to end at a particular time, please respect that. This time is both physically and emotionally draining on families. Just because you can't make it until 5 minutes before calling hours are to come to an end doesn't mean the family wants to visit for an additional 20 minutes beyond what they expected and they've already been there visiting with others for possibly hours. It may be better to send flowers, make a memorial donation in lieu of flowers if that is what the family requested in the obituary, send a card or letter or leave an online condolence rather than make them stay longer just to not make you feel bad about getting their late.
The funeral homes I work at don't charge additional if calling hours run late however I am aware of some that do. That additional cost associated may also be passed on to the family.
Families set the time span they want to have calling hours. Please respect that if you are attending to "show your respect" to the family.
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
Holiday grief
Hello my friends.
The process of grieving and bereavement is different for everyone. As much as the published psychologists, psychiatrists, social workers and self-help writers "mainstream" that process for ease of understanding in their myriad of books, their diagnosis' are impersonal. While I don't know you, the reader, any more than those authors, I have a few personal opinions and observations I would like to share.
Everyone goes through this process differently. The 5-stages of grieving and bereavement don't always go in order, don't always last for the same duration in each stage, and isn't miraculously "done" on the one year anniversary after a loved one's death. Some process things faster and some slower. I guess what I'm saying it not to let people paint you into a corner telling you when you should move from stage to stage on a timeline or which stage you should be in at any specific time. That being said, I have one general offering I make to all the families I serve. If you find yourself "stuck" in any phase (no matter what order they come in) and it effects your physical health, relationship with others, or work, seek professional counselling. If none of those are going on and someone offers you their off the cuff remarks of "get over it" or "you should be passed that by now", tell them where they can put their diagnosis.
"Holiday grief" can be Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Thanksgiving, the deceased's birthday, an anniversary or any other calendar event that held a special meaning between the deceased and the person feeling the grief. You are NOT limited to only have ill feelings on the first of all those holidays again being painted into a corner where society says you must be "over it" after the firsts of each anniversary. Ridiculous! Again I say, melancholy is ok during these times specifically and if anyone doesn't like that, too bad. I must add however, if the effects are such that you can't perform your day to day routines or have feelings of suicide, harming others, or great dispair, seek professional help immediately.
Grieving and bereavement is a journey, much like life, and not a destination. Private counseling can be costly but there's still hope. There's always hope! Hospices have great services. Many families I've served have used the services of Hospice of South East Connecticut, Southeast Mental Health Authority, Reliance House, church clergy, Backus Hospital Mental Health Clinic etc. with success.
Don't go it alone but don't think one size fits all with your emotions.
May you be able to enjoy your holiday, whatever you celebrate, knowing this journey through that dark place does in fact get better....to everyone at their own time. I wish you well.
The process of grieving and bereavement is different for everyone. As much as the published psychologists, psychiatrists, social workers and self-help writers "mainstream" that process for ease of understanding in their myriad of books, their diagnosis' are impersonal. While I don't know you, the reader, any more than those authors, I have a few personal opinions and observations I would like to share.
Everyone goes through this process differently. The 5-stages of grieving and bereavement don't always go in order, don't always last for the same duration in each stage, and isn't miraculously "done" on the one year anniversary after a loved one's death. Some process things faster and some slower. I guess what I'm saying it not to let people paint you into a corner telling you when you should move from stage to stage on a timeline or which stage you should be in at any specific time. That being said, I have one general offering I make to all the families I serve. If you find yourself "stuck" in any phase (no matter what order they come in) and it effects your physical health, relationship with others, or work, seek professional counselling. If none of those are going on and someone offers you their off the cuff remarks of "get over it" or "you should be passed that by now", tell them where they can put their diagnosis.
"Holiday grief" can be Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Thanksgiving, the deceased's birthday, an anniversary or any other calendar event that held a special meaning between the deceased and the person feeling the grief. You are NOT limited to only have ill feelings on the first of all those holidays again being painted into a corner where society says you must be "over it" after the firsts of each anniversary. Ridiculous! Again I say, melancholy is ok during these times specifically and if anyone doesn't like that, too bad. I must add however, if the effects are such that you can't perform your day to day routines or have feelings of suicide, harming others, or great dispair, seek professional help immediately.
Grieving and bereavement is a journey, much like life, and not a destination. Private counseling can be costly but there's still hope. There's always hope! Hospices have great services. Many families I've served have used the services of Hospice of South East Connecticut, Southeast Mental Health Authority, Reliance House, church clergy, Backus Hospital Mental Health Clinic etc. with success.
Don't go it alone but don't think one size fits all with your emotions.
May you be able to enjoy your holiday, whatever you celebrate, knowing this journey through that dark place does in fact get better....to everyone at their own time. I wish you well.
Friday, November 23, 2012
Funeral Service Celebrant
In many cases in speaking with families I hear the same response to some of my suggestions. That is, "I didn't know I could do that." It is for those families and for all the families I haven't served yet that I created this blog. When people are informed going into a situation, the outcome is most often better than if they had gone in "blind" so to speak. This particular post is just another of those circumstances.
I met with a family not too long ago who came in to the funeral home where I work and immediately said their loved one "wasn't big into church" and because of that, they were just going to have their loved one cremated and then they'd figure out what to do with them afterward. Their thought? Funerals they've been to throughout their lives had a priest, minister or rabbi officiate and because they didn't have one of those, they were just going to forego any service whatsoever.
That made my heart sad. Someone had died who lived a long, productive life. That person touched the lives of so many and because the family I was serving thought it would be awkward to have a religious person officiate if that didn't fully represent their loved one, they were going to let that story of the person's life go uncommemorated or otherwise, uncelebrated.
I introduced the family to Funeral Service Celebrant services. Here's what that is.
Celebrants are creators of personal ceremonies and experts in composing and performing funeral services. They are professional communicators who reflect the wishes and values of the loved one and the loved one's family. They serve as hosts or officiants at the funeral and excel as contemporaries of families that are not particularly "religious". They blend religious and non-religious themes and help families who would normally not have services. The psychological effects of funeral services are therapeutic in nature and help people on the path of grieving and bereavement. Celebrants are perfect for families seeking a more unique service as well as those who do not have a relationship with local clergy.
A celebrant will meet with the family and learn more about their loved one and his or her hobbies. The celebrant will research poems, songs and incorporate personal stories from family and friends to honor the life lived. Services don't need to be a spectator event either. Many services I perform incorporate family participation if they want (any many do). Show the roots of the deceased and how they evolved over time during the course of the ceremony. Death is certain for all of us. It is a reality that we all must face from time to time. How we navigate that time can effect us for the rest of our lives. No life is insignificant and celebrants help bring that to light. Lastly, the presence of community, family and friends around you at this time lets you know you are not alone.
These services then, as you can see, are truly one of a kind. While the casket or urn selection, flowers, etc. are all "customization", relating a life-story and reliving high points of that life is "personalization". Many people may select a particular casket, vault, urn, flower etc., but NONE will have the same story.
Don't get me wrong, ritual is good. Many celebrants work in conjunction with clergy to get the best of both worlds however, I personally feel I have not served a family to the best of my own ability if their loved one died and their story is left otherwise untold. So many don't mention the name of the deceased after they die for fear it may evoke emotional responses. That's the point however. Tell the stories. Some may cry, some may laugh, some may be a new story they didn't know about already and they may get to learn more about that person from the story. But...if the story goes untold, none of that can happen.
Now I'm not saying we must get elaborate and it needn't be costly. Celebrants can officiate in a back yard, field, on a boat etc. The deceased's remains can either be present or not depending on many things.
So let's create the event of a lifetime. Tell the story. Every part of the funeral can be unique.
Ask your funeral service professional about these services if they don't bring it up. For a list of Certified Funeral Service Celebrants near you go to http://www.insightbooks.com/ and click on "Find a Celebrant" in the lower right blue portion of the home page.
Let the story be told. "We live on in the lives of those we touch."
Friday, November 9, 2012
Cremation Options
What is this you might ask? It is an "Urn Arc". That is, a way in which to present and otherwise display an urn containing cremated remains of a deceased person. It also provides bars which are used for pall bearers to carry the deceased's remains from place to place. This can be used at the funeral home, church or graveside.
So many of my families are now turning to cremation for final disposition but they are challenged with still trying to keep some portion or portions "traditional". Here's one of the best ways to combine tradition with contemporary choices. Many of my families have their loved ones cremated and then want services. They know there are people who would want the distinguished honor of being a pall bearer but if there is merely an urn, only one person is needed to carry it and face it, it looks awkward. With an urn arc, you can have from two to six pall bearers. Additionally, the funeral home may use a hearse to transport the deceased in the urn arc from place to place giving another symbol of excellence and respect in transporting the remains to its place of final rest.
This is but one way to add a "traditional" sense of the service to an ever increasingly popular choice of cremation.
Ask your funeral director about availability as many funeral homes do not have an Urn Arc. Our funeral homes do.
Saturday, October 6, 2012
Casket - defined
Now there is a word that can evoke many thoughts and feelings. In my business I prefer to look back into the history of the word and its evolution to today’s meaning. The word “casket” may actually have its roots from the French word “casse” or “cassee” referencing a jewel case. A place where one would store valuables.
Now that’s the way I use the word. When I as a funeral director, take someone more precious than any gem, and place them in a suitable place after they die….that is a casket. Then a fitting tribute to celebrate the life lived may commence.
Hope you all have a great week!
Friday, September 7, 2012
Why Have A Funeral?
• Personal Significance
First, we must establish the personal significance of the person who died. We need to discover how important this person was to us. It is almost as if we must inventory our loss before we can grieve it. This is necessary because we really do not know the value of a person until they are gone. Just have a loved one have to endure a risky surgical procedure and have to face the fact that you might lose that person. You will have found value to that person far beyond how valuable you may have even thought they were in your life prior to that. We don’t know what we have until we have lost it. That is why we must establish the significance this person had in our lives before we can move on toward our recovery.
Planning is an act of love. Some folks have tried to paint the funeral as plastic, costly, meaningless and even pagan. They seem to think the sophisticated thing to do is deny death and ignore the inner need to express love toward a loved one who has died.
Our efforts to avoid viewing often leave far too much to the imagination. Imagination will almost always make it worse than it was in reality.
Gatherings provide a chance to talk. Visitation time(s) at the funeral home or friends dropping by the home give us the chance to begin telling the stories about our loved one. We establish significance as we talk about the person. The stories we tell will one day become the great memories that stay in our house forever.
The funeral gives us permission to grieve. Our society seems to see grief as an enemy to be avoided. Some think cultured people do not show grief in public. They are to carry their heads high and never show any sign of cracking. My friends, grief is not an enemy. It is nature’s way of healing a broken heart. We are actually doing the best job of handling grief when we are grieving. The more we express our grief the sooner we work through this process that leads to health. Nothing I know of gives us a better chance and more freedom of expression than the funeral experience.
• Unique and Personal
Families now feel free to eulogize their lived one or they may ask a close friend to do so. Many families bring personal items and pictures to the service to further personalize the event. Music is now more likely to be some favorite song the person loved or a song that meant a great deal to them.
The funeral is not about caskets and rituals. The funeral is about mental health and healing. When we have inventoried our loss and began the healing process of grief, then – and only then – has the funeral hone its vital work in our lives.
Of course I always respect the opinion, values and feelings of the family first and foremost. My reason for writing this piece is not to minimalize anyone’s choices but to provide food for thought. A consideration to make ahead of time. The one who dies is where they feel they are after death. Those left behind on this planet are the ones that then need to heal and go on. While we memorialize the uniqueness of the life lived, I feel funerals are services for the living.
As always, if you have any questions concerning this or have personal questions you don’t want to post online, feel free to contact me by email. Mark.Kalinowski@Dignitymemorial.com
- The information provided above is a culmination of text from our brochure “Why Have A Funeral?” written by a team of people with advanced degrees in grieving and bereavement along with this author’s input and personal and professional opinion.
Friday, August 31, 2012
The History of Taps
Of all the military bugle calls, none is so easily recognized or more apt to render emotion than Taps. Up to the Civil War, the traditional call at day's end was a tune, borrowed from the French, called Lights Out. In July of 1862, in the aftermath of the bloody Seven Days battles, hard on the loss of 600 men and wounded himself, Union General Daniel Adams Butterfield called the brigade bugler to his tent. He thought "Lights Out" was too formal and he wished to honor his men. Oliver Wilcox Norton, the bugler, tells the story, "...showing me some notes on a staff written in pencil on the back of an envelope, (he) asked me to sound them on my bugle. I did this several times, playing the music as written. He changed it somewhat, lengthening some notes and shortening others, but retaining the melody as he first gave it to me. After getting it to his satisfaction, he directed me to sound that call for Taps thereafter in place of the regulation call. The music was beautiful on that still summer night and was heard far beyond the limits of our Brigade. The next day I was visited by several buglers from neighboring Brigades, asking for copies of the music which I gladly furnished. The call was gradually taken up through the Army of the Potomac."
This more emotive and powerful Taps was soon adopted throughout the military. In 1874 It was officially recognized by the U.S. Army. It became standard at military funeral ceremonies in 1891. There is something singularly beautiful and appropriate in the music of this wonderful call. Its strains are melancholy, yet full of rest and peace. Its echoes linger in the heart long after its tones have ceased to vibrate in the air.
- from an article by Master Sergeant Jari A Villanueva, USAF.
Lights Out on the bugle: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tTXo6uplYQE
Taps on the bugle: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S-Xrlf3taEo
Personal note:
Additionally, I have a friend who was a Marine. He’d cringe hearing me say that because after all we know, ‘once a Marine, always a Marine!’ He wrote the following poem and although it’s intended for a Marine, any branch could respectfully be inserted at the end. He was kind enough to give me permission to read it at graveside services which I have done, and to publish it (which I would never do without giving him the credit at the end). I am thankful that my friend is still alive and well, and never want to hear this recited in his honor. Here is his poem:
BUGLER
Bugler please don’t sound the charge,
our ranks are getting thin.
Our arms are oh so weary,
and our eyes are growing dim.
There was a time so long ago
we answered every call,
Through shot and shell
and fire and hell,
we watched our comrades fall.
Now, I’ve got one more call to answer,
so one favor I ask perhaps.
As they lay this old Marine to rest,
will you honor me with taps?
Written by: Bill Robinson – 2008
Thank you for sharing these blogs. Let us NEVER FORGET…..all gave some, some gave all.
To see a demonstration of FULL MILITARY HONORS cut and paste the link to follow into your browser http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qhXkP2emFII&feature=related
Veterans - Part 3 of 3
Many civilians ask me, “What do we do as a civilian while the military do their thing at a military funeral?” Here are simple, easy to follow steps to help honor those who served.
Expected Military Funeral Etiquette
While any funeral is a reverent affair, military funerals seem a bit more formal. Therefore, the family in mourning, and other family members and friends in attendance expect certain etiquette.
Military Personnel
If you are a member of the Armed Forces, you will be expected to behave in a manner becoming a soldier or sailor. Besides wearing your dress uniform, you should salute when it is appropriate (except if you are a pallbearer):
- When the hearse passes in front of you
- At any time while the casket is being moved
- During the gun salute
- While Taps is being played
- If present when the casket is being lowered into the ground
If you are in civilian dress, you should remove your hat and place it over your heart in lieu of saluting. Use your right hand if you aren't wearing a hat. Remain standing for the entire service except when the chaplain or other religious figure is reading the committal service if seating is available.
Family Members and Friends
Everyone in attendance at a military funeral should be dressed respectfully. Everyone should be comfortable but should also be dressed appropriately.
Allow immediate family members to sit in the chairs available at the cemetery. The next of kin should be in front, as he or she will be the recipient of the folded American flag given as part of the service. Family members and friends who are seated at the gravesite should remain seated throughout the ceremony.
Those attending the service should follow the lead of the chaplain or Honor Guard Detail. Cell phones should be turned off or at least silenced.
WHEN IN DOUBT
When in doubt, identify who the funeral director is before the services begin. He or she has studied this topic as part of our training and your cues can be taken from his or her actions.
SOURCE: http://www.funeralresources.com/resources/military-funeral-etiquette/
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)